Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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