the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
