oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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