She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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