today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
