just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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