I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
FUCK WHALES
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
