I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She told me I should be a condom model.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
