Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
