she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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