I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She's the barista slut.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
