No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Bring me that man meat
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
