I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
