Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
There's even glitter on my cock...
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