i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
