So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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