You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
