new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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