On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it's not cheating when I paid for it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
try to milk me bitch
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