I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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