I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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