Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
