I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
