I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
