Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
