well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
