The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
