He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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