so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
