i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
