Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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