dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We left the knife in your bed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
