It's Friday. Sex?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
