Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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