remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
