Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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