i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
