Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
