i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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