As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
