i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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