i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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