Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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