Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
