The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
