So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
