I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
