your parents love me but you hate me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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