Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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