You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I lost the right to judge tonight
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
