I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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