Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
