I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
