Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
