My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
