I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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