Your dad touched me again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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