Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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