i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
