Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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