someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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