I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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