Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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