Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
